Soul Searching

Its awkward to be me and undergo depression because you can't expect a lot of support. A lot of people see me as this jolly preschool kid lost in high school. I may be childish but there are deeper reasons why I need to be immature. For what my life has become, it is only proper to fear reality. I've contended myself with playing pretend but when reality haunts you back, running away is always a failure.

 Breaking monotony: There comes a time when you need to take advantage

of the fitting room mirror.

When I receive a question similar to "How are you?", I would take a century worth of thought before answering with a lie. In fact, I don't know who I am. My life is a complexity and there are a million things I need to balance. I gain, I lose, I fight and I retreat. All that jazz consumes me and makes me less human. There are sinful things I do to compensate and forget real life, only because the guilt has become more bearable than reality. I'd rather feel nothing at all than be starved of happiness.

Only this year have I accepted the fact that there are people who would die to protect me and there are those born to pester and slowly kill me. Its hard to believe because its flattering and scary. Even harder when you start to learn who is on which side. I try to cherish those who were born to take care of me but having this complex brain doesn't make forgetting the other side easy. Even when you flash that smile and expel that laugh, somewhere in it is a worry that this isn't what life is all about. Haters will hate.

I never learned to attach. I can let go of things easily because I have experienced letting go to much that it has become normality.

There are emotions that you want to feel. but you just can't feel them because they are said to be magical. In my dangerous efforts to find and hunt down happiness, I have realized that they are really rare. I want to get my share right now. At least a taste would do. I deserve it, I guess. I've searched and risked too much for it already.

I have goals in my life and there are times when I don't understand them. Are they fruits of  external pressure or my own? When I get time and proper concentration to ask myself personal and self-oriented questions, I never get answers. In short, I'm blank. I go with the flow and I know, some people take advantage of that.

I don't deserve being a vertebrate if I can't fight on my own. What I need is time to remember that I am human and I need time to figure out who I am, who I want to be and how I should be. But again, I'd rather feel nothing at all. Soul, where are you? (I'd say you are relaxing on tropical beaches, sipping cold juice or partying somewhere far from civilized society).