Disgruntled

If there is one thing in life I would gladly forget, it would be having to deal with the future.

Way back before I was a graduating high school student, I was looking forward to be in college. I saw high school graduations as a point where all the roads are there, you choose the path you want and you go with it for the rest of your life. Period. I'll be graduating in less than 3 months and I am in a horrible state of not knowing what to do.

I certainly have good slots into the best universities in the Philippines, merci beaucoup to fate which has been on my side for a few weeks already, but still, I fear going into college. My parents and I certainly desire nothing but to add a Dr. to my name. I have been an aspiring physician since I got over my other dream which was to become a security guard and an astronaut at the same time.

Now I'm having second thoughts. I want to be a writer and a filmmaker - for real. A lot tell me that you don't really need to get into college for artistic pursuits. I agree because my definition of writing and filmmaking can be summarized in: the mastery of self-expression with the given media. But med school, even just the pre-med courses have extreme potentials to gobble up all my time. What if somewhere in the middle of my road to becoming a doctor, I become hijacked with passion to create a film or inscribe a million-page novel? What will happen to my education?

I certainly can't stop because I don't want to age and die on the road (given medicine is a looooong road). Although I'm not sure that when an outburst of inspiration occurs, I can tie myself up and let the thoughts deal with themeselves. People suggest that I go write for a newspaper just to keep the passion alive but again, I'm not sure if medical dreams allow time to get emotional and write (or film). Plus, I'm a laid back person. I spend most of my up time, well, laying back.

I think I would have to change big time in college to stay sane. No more abundance of laid-back moments, a hell of a lot of discipline, a heap of self confidence and an immaculate inspiration to keep me going. But I am so puny!?!? How can I do all of these? I'll complain a lot. I'll probably die on the road.

I feel like a kid being pushed to the edge of the cliff, having to decide on what to do faster than he can think. (aaaaaaaaah! I'm going to fall! What am I supposed to do!? Wait. This would be a nice story to retell in heaven or hell. I can see the bottom of the cliff now, I will die!!? Wait. Get me a camera and let me film my demise. It will be my magnum opus. I will entitle it Mortem and have everything on it be in Latin, a dead language. Language which will be as dead as me! I will die! How about a chihuahua?!?! Do I really want or need a dog? Hahahaha. One plus one will always be equal to 2 unless there is a silent negative anywhere in between the numbers!! Am I dead yet?) 

I'm considering a one year hiatus from academics. This one year can be alloted to self-discovery, a restoration of self-confidence and understanding. The odds strongly suggest this hiatus will last more than a year though. I will really die on the road... I'm scared.